


fight like you mean it

by evidentlouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Fluff and Angst, Fluff tbh, Lots of Crying, M/M, No Smut, Soz, Zayn loves Liam, but dont think its love love, character illness, it's still cute tho promise, liam loves zayn, louisandharry are having troubles, they know that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 15:12:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1108344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evidentlouis/pseuds/evidentlouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Why didn't you tell me, don’t you think me and the boys deserved to know that? We were worried sick!” Zayn raised his voice causing Liam to flinch. He didn't like angry Zayn, angry Zayn said things that he didn't really mean and angry Zayn doesn't tolerate Liam as much as normal Zayn does.<br/>Liam fiddled with his hands in his lap picking at the dead, calloused skin.<br/>“Harry already knew.” He mumbled.<br/>“What? Harry knew? You told Harry and not me? Why did you—“<br/> </p><p>OR<br/> <br/>the one where liam was sick but then he wasn't but now he is again and zayn thinks its all his fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fight like you mean it

Everyone knows Liam was born with one properly functioning kidney, Liam talks about it all the time in interviews, it’s just something he’s accepted in his life and so has everyone else. It didn’t affect him much at first, he couldn’t drink alcohol, he had to watch his salt and sugar intake but after eighteen years of dealing with his _problem_ it wasn’t really a hassle anymore, or it wasn’t until Liam felt weak almost all the time, he’d need at least two Coca-Cola’s to get him through a day of interviews. People stopped asking about his kidney and Liam stopped talking about it. People started noticing Liam looked sick, and sometimes they didn’t realize he _was_.

“Whoa Liam, you look like shit mate, you need proper rest are the boys not letting you sleep?” someone from his managerial team said to him once and Liam nearly punched him square in the face. Liam’s not violent, he really isn’t but Jesus fucking Christ he knows he looks like shit thank you very much, he feels like shit too, he’s fucking sick. What kind of asshole would tell a sick person they look like shit? Liam was fuming; he was ready to lose it on the guy.

  _He doesn’t know,_ His subconscious threw in last minute _no one knows._

Which yeah okay; no one knew he was sick other than the few people at Modest, not even the boys knew. 

The lads knew he looked sick; eyes sunken in, his skin a pale grey, nearly ashen colour and his lips almost always chapped. They noticed he became weaker more often than usual and that he slept in later than healthy Liam would but if they mentioned anything he'd just smile and tell them not to worry so much. Sometimes he'd say he was tired or his stomach was upset and he even threw in his make-up artist getting the shade of foundation wrong just to switch things up. The boys would look at him with sad eyes, as if they knew he was lying – he really, really hoped they didn’t – but no one every called him on his lies, they might group hug or tell him they're here when or if he wants to talk but they wouldn’t say anything else and Liam was grateful for that.

It was when Mark – one of the executive managers... or something like that, Liam didn’t pay much attention to the guys in the suits. There's too many. – called him in for a private meeting that it all really started.

—

“Morning Mr. Payne, I'm afraid we're strained on time so I'm just going to come right out with it. Liam, people are noticing you’re sick. The fans are noticing and it isn't good, I thought this was like all the other times you’ve had bad spells; We wait it out for a few weeks and you’re back on your feet, as good as new. But Mr. Payne I'm afraid it’s not happening this time around. You’re not getting better, you’re getting _worse._ Why haven't you been to a doctor, surely you're in pain?”

"Nothing I haven't been through before..." Liam says his tone utterly uninterested. 

Mark turned to face Paddy, who Liam was glad came with him. Paddy knows Liam's fine. “How’s he been?”

“He’s been the same as last week, tired and weak. The other lads are noticing too, they ask often and I really don’t know what to tell them, he won’t.”

“I knew this would happen, living with one working kidney while the other one's suspected of acting like an ulcer with the way it retains toxins until it bursts and having such an active career is impossible, it’s too dangerous and too hard on him. People living with one kidney already don’t live long, with the added pressure—“

Liam stopped listening. He hated when they did this, he hated when anyone talked about him as though he wasn't sat right there in the room with them. If they wanted to talk about Liam rather than to him, he could’ve stayed in bed and gotten more rest so he didn't feel like hurling every time he so much as moved his head too quickly.

“I am in the room you know.” He hissed and the two men looked up at him sheepishly muttering apologies.

“Yes, right. So my reason for asking you here; Liam we need to get you a kidney.”

—

 

“What do you mean it rejected? Are you fucking stupid? Were you new at your job when you performed the operation?” Liam felt groggy, the loud familiar voice waking him from a dreamless sleep.

“Mr. Malik you need to calm down, it happens a lot it’s a very tedious operation with high risk of the organ being rejected. It happens.”

“It happens? _It happens?_ Are you fucking kidding me? My best friend collapsed and is in a fucking coma because you fucked with him! He was fine before, he didn’t need the fucking kidney he was fine!” Liam couldn’t be hearing this right, he wasn’t in a coma he was fine, he’s right here. He tried to open his eyes, lift his arm, say something to calm Zayn down, but he couldn’t. His eye lids felt like they weighed tons, his brain and his limbs weren’t connected and his mouth wouldn’t make noise, Liam felt _dead_. He couldn’t be in a coma though his brain was working, he was hearing everything around him and processing it, he was breathing – he tried to stop, tried to get that beeping machine to go a bit crazy to get their attention, tell them he's awake, that he's fine he just can’t _wake up._ But the air gushed into his lungs anyways and it was sucked out moments later, pushed in, sucked out, pushed in, sucked out, _Liam was on life support._

“What are you going to do then?” Zayn’s voice was much calmer now, “You need to fix him, he needs to wake up. I need him to wake up and be okay again. _Please._ ” His voice cracked and Liam knew he was crying; he wanted nothing more than to hold Zayn and tell him he's okay, Liam’s okay he's awake, his brain isn’t dead, he's fine. He felt the bed dip and someone – Zayn – picked up his hand and held it tightly. “You need to fight Li, you can’t give up you need to come back to me, please, I need you Liam.” Liam’s brain kind of went foggy after that.

 

—

 

“It looks like everything’s in order Liam, the operation took, and you’re almost completely recovered. You have two fully functioning kidneys.” His doctor smiled at him but Liam just kind of sat there, he _felt_ healthier, he honestly truly felt so much better these past weeks in recovery but having one kidney was a part of him in a way he’s had one kidney all his life and now, now he has two. He has no idea whose kidney it is but it’s not his and that seems so weird to Liam. Someone else’s organ is inside of him working in his body.

Modest decided it was best to not tell everyone he got a kidney transplant, too many questions so they played it off as though Liam's old one just magically started working again, and the fans believed it, interviewers were required to not ask so Liam didn’t tell, some would pull him on the side and explain to him that they knew he lied and they thought it was smart to not worry the fans over him having such a major operation and Liam would just shrug and smile and not say a thing.

“We’re not dumb Liam, that stupid tweet may have fooled the twelve year olds but I’m pretty sure it’s almost fucking impossible for a kidney that’s been out of use for so long to miraculously start working again.” Louis had cornered him along with Zayn and Niall shortly after an interview with some creepy looking man, Liam drank, he had a coke like always but he requested just a little bit of whiskey in it and he _loved_ it, and the boys noticed.

“I dunno what you’re talking about.” Liam shrugged, he never kept much from the boys, they’re so close to one another that it’s almost impossible to have secrets anyways.

“Li, you were sick before yeah?” Zayn's voice was much softer than Louis’s, Zayn was always soft with Liam just like Harry was and he loved them both for it. “We knew you we’re but we didn’t push, didn’t want to upset you. _I_ didn’t want to upset you, yeah?” Liam also freaking _loved_ that Zayn almost always said yeah after every sentence when he spoke to Liam, he liked to make sure what he was saying was okay with Liam, Zayn always made sure everything was okay with Liam, and when it wasn’t he always tried his hardest to make it so it was. “but we noticed you’re better, you look healthier and stronger and that’s fucking amazing because I don’t know what I’d do if it had gotten worse.” Zayn's voice cracked at the end a bit and Liam sucked in a shaky breath, “but Liam you can’t lie to us, we know something else went on, what happened Li?”

Zayn looked so concerned is the thing and the whole point of this damn operation was to stop people from being so concerned about him, so Liam said he’d tell them later when he didn’t feel so tired, and because – Liam guesses – they're used to him being tired from when he was sick, they all smiled at him weakly and let him go.

Liam was actually tired though so he went into the lobby of the hotel they were in for interviews to nap or just relax or something but he found Harry with his head in his hands, his long fingers gripping at his curls and Harry was always level-headed, he never really reacted let alone overreacted to things so Liam felt he had the right to be concerned.

“H? Are you okay?” he sat beside the youngest of them all and reached out to rub his back comfortingly but Harry just pulled away.

“It’s too much Liam, Louis and I, you and Zayn and Louis is being difficult and your operation and _it’s too much Liam_.” Harry looked exhausted and sad and confused and Liam was beyond lost.

“Slow down Harry, start from the beginning what's wrong with you and Lou?”

Harry laughed, “What isn’t wrong is more of a question, he's a dick, an inconsiderate little prick and I love the shit out of him, why do I love him still Li? We decided, it was a mutual decision that having to hide and deal with all this beard shit was straining not only our relationship but our friendship so we called it off, and he's fine he's not upset at all and I’m— I can’t sleep at night because I miss him so much and he doesn’t even care or see it.” He raked his hands through his hair pulling, it’s something he's done since x factor when he's overwhelmed or nervous, “and you and Zayn are idiots.” He laughs again but its wet this time, his cheeks flushed and stained with tears.

“Hey I’m not an idiot what are you talking about?” Liam pouted almost teasingly so, the other boys laughter boomed from across the hall catching both Liam and Harry’s attention, Harry furiously wiped at his eyes and didn’t look up once as they passed and Louis kept his eyes on the floor not making a noise, Liam wondered how he hadn’t noticed this before. Zayn reached out and ruffled Liam's hair as he passed smiling the way Liam loves, when he sticks his tongue through his teeth and his eyes scrunch up so much all you can see is eyelashes and his smiles so wide Liam sometimes is afraid Zayn's face might crack.

“That’s what I’m talking about.” Harry says, Liam tears his eyes away from the tanner boy not even realizing he was staring, he can feel his cheeks flush when he meets Harry’s accusing eyes.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Liam tries,

“Idiots. The both of you.” Harry smiles “Dorky, love sick, idiots.”

“Um—“

“And your operation Liam, that’s part of why I’m going to be bald by 30 by the way.” Harry knows not to push the subject of Zayn on Liam, it does something to him, he gets fumbly and sick to his stomach and it’s not normal, Liam knows it’s not, he's come to terms that maybe he loves Zayn a little differently then he loves Harry and the other boys but it’s silly and reckless and he's seen what it’s done to Harry and Louis and he hates seeing his best friends like that.

“How did you—? What do you mean?” Liam tires to look innocent he really does but his mind is still glazed over with nothing but _ZaynZaynZayn_.

“I won’t tell anyone till you're ready to tell them, just be careful Liam.”

 

—

 

Liam realizes he’s in a coma, he’s on life support and he could very well possibly die and the thing he remembers is that it’s not just the fact that the kidney rejected that he's in here, it’s because he was jealous and reckless and went overboard just like he was told not to for at least six months. He was allowed to drink if he wanted but he wasn’t allowed to get plastered because he was still at risk and Liam wishes he was awake so he could punch himself or do something because he was so stupid.

 

—

 

“Li I’m gonna go out tonight with Ant and some friends, d’you wanna come? I mean I know you can’t drink but you have been a bit lately and it might be fun right? Only if you want to though don’t feel pressured I know you and Anthony don’t get along very well but if you want yeah?”

“I got a kidney transplant.” Liam blurts out, it’s been eating away at him, keeping this from Zayn and he had to say it.

“You— what? Wait but— no what?” Zayn stood across the room, Liam wanted to reach out and pull him in but he had to explain further, he couldn’t just drop a bomb like that and not explain especially to Zayn.

“Like a month and a bit ago? I wasn’t sick Zayn, I was _dying_ , but they fixed it, I got a new kidney and its working and I’m okay again.” Liam tried to smile but Zayn's facial expression only hardened.

“A kidney transplant?” Liam nodded, “but isn’t that dangerous Liam? What would you have done if it didn’t take, it you got sicker?” he took steps closer to Liam and for once the younger boy wished he’d stay back.

“I—I don’t know?” he answered honestly.

“Why didn’t you tell me, don’t you think me and the boys deserved to know that? We were worried sick!” Zayn raised his voice causing Liam to flinch. He didn’t like angry Zayn, angry Zayn said things that he didn’t really mean and angry Zayn doesn’t tolerate Liam as much as normal Zayn does.

Liam fiddled with his hands in his lap picking at the dead, calloused skin, “Harry already knew.” He mumbled.

“What? Harry knew? You told Harry and not me? Why did you—“ Zayn's pitch heightened and his harsh façade broke for a second and Liam lit up, maybe angry Zayn did care, but when he met his eyes they were even _darker_ than before and Liam was admittedly afraid. “Why would you tell him and not me Liam?” Zayn's voice was loud enough to almost echo in their large hotel room, “Do I mean that little to you that you don’t even consider telling me shit anymore? A fucking operation of any kind is huge Liam; you could’ve not woken up!”

“It wasn’t my idea Zayn, but when they offered me a new kidney or the possibility of dying I figured you’d understand my choice there!” Liam yelled back, he was sure the other boys could hear every word they were saying through the hotel walls.

“It’s not your choice of getting the kidney that is fucked Liam, it’s the fact you told Harry of all people and you didn’t tell me! I’ve been there for you through everything! Through all that shit with Danielle through your turtles dying, your mom getting sick, your bad spells _everything_ Liam, and you didn’t even consider telling me you were having a fucking operation!” Zayn turns and walks towards the door, he yanks it open roughly “I thought I meant more to you than that.” Liam almost doesn’t hear it but he definitely hears what follows. “I guess Ant was right about you.”

Liam sees red, he literally feels the anger seething out of him, Zayn saying Liam and Ant don’t get along is possibly the understatement of the fucking year, Liam _hates_ Ant, all he does is get Zayn drunk and uses him for an easy fuck when he can’t hook a guy or girl dumb enough to come home with him and Liam _fucking hates_ Ant for that. Liam hears a faint voice saying “what did you mean ‘Harry of all people?’” but then he kind of blacks out a bit he doesn’t remember much of that night. He remembers calling Maz and Andy, he remembers going to Funky Buddha with them, he remembers shots, lots and lots of shots, he remembers his phone ringing and answering it because it was Zayn and no matter how mad he was he always answers Zayn’s calls and he must’ve butt-dialed him because it wasn’t _really_ Zayn he wasn’t speaking into the phone he wasn’t actually speaking at all, Liam could hear a sloppy smacking sound and muffled moans and he remembers he threw his phone across the room and he thinks it shattered and he remembers almost throwing up, then more shots and more shots and the last thing he remembers is kissing Maz, the feeling of his snakebites jabbing at Liam's skin and the feeling of his tongue down his throat and wishing it was Zayn and then everything goes black.

 

—

Liam's seen a movie like this once, he thinks Ashton Kutcher was in it, where he was in a coma but had an out-of-body experience. Except Liam is different he isn’t actually out of his body, he can’t go and listen to what everyone is saying wherever he wants, but he does hear when people come in his room.

He hears Maz and Andy come in, they don’t say much just come in and apologize, say they should’ve known and stopped him from drinking so much, should’ve reacted faster when he collapsed, they each kiss his forehead, tell him to keep fighting and leave. Liam's sure if he could he be crying, because they blame themselves and it’s not their fault, it’s not at all he should've know better than to drink that much and he doesn’t want them to blame themselves but he can’t to shit about it, Liam's crying, not physically, physically he's a fucking vegetable but he's crying.

He hears Niall come in, he knows its Niall by the sound of his sobs. Niall doesn’t say much, he doesn’t say anything really, he sits in the chair beside Liam's bed and cries for a minute or two, Liam can’t see it but he hears him get up and start pacing, if Liam could see him he thinks Niall’s face would be flushed like it always is when he cries, not just his cheeks but his entire face. Niall sits again, this time on the bed he lets out a chocked sob that sounds like he's saying “Li” but Liam can’t tell, and he's gone just as fast as he came. Niall isn’t good with being sad; he isn’t good with any emotion other than happy so Liam isn’t too surprised his visit didn’t last long.

Next is Harry, he knows because he can smell the strawberry shampoo he uses and he wishes he could inhale it through his nose deeply, because Liam loves it too. Harry sits on the chair then gets up and moves to the bed, and then switches back to the chair again.

“Liam, I—I don’t even know if you can hear me but I’m sorr—“ he chokes on his sob, clears his throat and starts again “I’m sorry, I knew how upset you were I should’ve stopped you from going out like that.” Liam doesn’t get why everyone blames themselves, it was clearly _Liam's_ idiocy, jealousy and his blind judgment that caused this.  “Granted I didn’t know you’d drink the body weight of a small child in tequila and vodka and god knows what else but I should’ve done something, I shouldn’t have held what Zayn said about me when he was mad against him, I should’ve let him use my phone to call you when he came back but I was holding a grudge, I was trying to be headstrong like you always say I should be. Trying to stick up for myself and I—I could’ve killed you. I could be the reason you don’t wake up Liam and I can’t even imagine that, I’m not making it about me, I did what I did but I can’t lose you, not like this, not without saying goodbye or going out for a drink or showing you the songs I’ve been working on because you always are the only one who listens, really listens to the lyrics and you understand what I’m trying to say even when I don’t. You're my best friend Liam; you need to wake up okay? Please don’t stop fighting and make sure you wake up. _You have to._ ” Liam—for once— feels his brain not developing what Harry said fast enough, he didn’t know he drank that much, what does he mean when Zayn came back? Why couldn’t Zayn call him on his own phone? And why does everyone keep saying ‘keep fighting’? You don’t fight to stay awake in a coma; you just hope you wake up, don’t you? What is Liam fighting?

Harry gets up and walks out, Liam hears him let out his sobs he's been holding back and he thinks if he could see him Harry’s hair would be a mess from him constantly pulling on it.

The next one who comes in is Louis, he knows because he swears at Liam before he says anything else. Liam realizes he doesn’t really like this, this seems like they're all blaming themselves and taking turns to say goodbye or something, none of them have actually said it but why are they coming in one by one like that, its freaking Liam out.

“You fucking idiot. How could you do this to us, how could you be so stupid and so reckless Liam?” Liam would actually sigh in relief if he could, finally someone who isn’t blaming themselves, “You know what you're doing to them all? Niall and Zayn haven’t slept in weeks, Harry won’t eat, or talk to me, but it was like that before I guess. No one talks they all just cry, and I’m sick of crying Liam. This is your fault, you’ve been this vegetable for almost a month now, you need to buckle up and fight those toxins okay? You need to hurry up and beat the shit out of this because I’m not okay, no one is without you, and you need to wake up Liam you can’t die, how selfish of you is that, just giving up, you better not have Liam. I swear to god I’ll kill you if you have.” He takes in a deep breath and flops in the seat beside the bed. “I hate seeing you and them like this, its tearing me up, I know Niall cries nonstop and that’s upsetting, I know you're a fucking vegetable and that’s up—fucking—setting and I know Zayn completely blames himself and hasn’t talked to anyone but your doctor and your mom since, but Harry is eating away at himself, he hasn’t slept or eaten, he thinks he killed you, he thinks it’s his fault and I just want to grab him and shake him and kiss the worry off his face because he doesn’t deserve that Liam. You know how he gets with shit like this, he's the worst of them all, he's so hard on himself and he needs someone. I should be that someone shouldn’t I?” _yes,_ Liam thinks, “God I’m an idiot, I was trying to avoid him you know, before this all happened, we agreed to take a break and I didn’t want to but he thought it was a good idea and I’d do anything for him so I agreed. It’s so hard to not touch him or hug him or hold him when he's like this,” Louis laughs “If you were awake you’d probably slap me.” _I would, you're being an asshole._ Liam wonders momentarily if answering them in his head is a sign he's going crazy or something. “I’m being an asshole aren’t I?” Liam laughs in his head—definitely crazy. “I’ll try okay? I’ll try and get him back. I’ll get him back in honor of you and your miraculous fight against the gross amount of poison you idiotically ingested.” Liam smiles mentally, or at least he thinks it’s mentally but Louis gasps “Liam? Liam can you hear me?” He hears the door being yanked open “He smiled! He moved, guys hurry up he smiled I swear he smiled!” Liam hears people rushing into his room, he feels soft hands on his face and smells mint smothered in smoke, _Zayn._

“Liam? Li are you awake? Open your eyes Li, move your hand do something, anything.” Zayn begs and Liam tries, he tries so hard to open his eyes or to squeeze whosever hand is in his, he tries holding his breath again to get his heart rate up, Liam tries everything and he tries so hard. “Liam please, _move please_.” And he can feel Zayn's head hit his shoulder and he feels tears soak through the hospital gown he's sure he's wearing. Liam yells, he screams and cries so hard but it’s all in his head and he can’t get his stupid body to do anything and everyone thinks he's dead and he's _not._

“Mr. Malik, I apologize but I need to check his vitals, he could’ve woken up momentarily which would be amazing or…”

“Or what?” Zayn demands cutting the seemingly young nurse, maybe doctor that was speaking.

“Or his heart might’ve stopped.” She whispers and he hears a woman sob and he thinks it’s his mom and he wants to cry again, his poor mom thinks he's dead.

“No. No you're lying, if his heart stopped that thing with the line would go flat I’m not dumb.” Zayn argues.

“Liam is on life support, previously his heart was beating on its own but he wasn’t breathing, so we put the tubes in him, if his heart stopped beating on its own it doesn’t mean it actually stopped, if you understand what I’m saying, his heart wont flat line, not unless we take him off life support but he could be getting worse, weaker, his heart might’ve stopped beating on its own which would cause his body to twitch, I need to check if that’s what happened so you need to move.” She says forcefully and if Liam wasn’t afraid of the results of her vital test he’d applaud her from sticking up to Zayn, no one ever does. “You all need to leave, back out into the waiting room, whoevers turn is next can come in as soon as I’m done checking him out and doing what I need to.”

Liam hears her writing things down, she feels for a pulse, walks around a lot and Liam just waits.

“That tan boy really loves you huh?” she mumbles while pulling on something that’s stuck in his arm, “He's pretty hot headed though.” She shuffles to the other side of him, “well Liam your heart didn’t stop, and you’re still doing well. You’ve fought off a lot of the toxins which is good, still have a lot to go so keep it up okay?” he hears her walk out the door.

A minute or two later and the door opens again, its Zayn he can tell almost immediately buy the smell and the fact he sits right on the bed and grabs Liam's hands kissing them over and over. “You're good she said, you're fighting still and she thinks in about two to three months you’ll wake up if you keep it up. She said your heart didn’t stop Liam, that means you smiled at Louis didn’t you? You can hear me yeah?” Zayn's voice is rough and raspy and Liam realizes just how much he must have been crying, Zayn's throat is made of steel or some shit, he smokes all the time and it never breaks and Liam has seen him cry for hours and it never affected the sound of his voice. “You probably have no idea what happened that night do you?” Liam rolls his mental eyes; _I know more than you think,_ he thinks bitterly. “I’m sorry, for saying what I did about Ant, I know he's not right about you, I know he just says shit to me to try and get me to leave you or something. I’d never leave you Liam, you're my best friend always will be.” Liam tires not to feel disappointed at that, because he and Zayn are best friends yes but Liam wants _more_. “I was so mad at you I lost it on Harry, ran out to the SUV that was waiting for me and I sat there for all of five minutes, Ant was so mad we were going to be late but I couldn’t go, I couldn’t leave you like that not after you told me that and not after our fight. So I got out of the car, I actually even left my phone inside, and ran up to our room but you were gone.” Zayn laughs sadly, “It’s so weird because _I knew_ something was wrong, I just felt it, I knew I had to talk to you so I hunted Harry down and begged him to use his phone and he wouldn’t even open the door. I just laid in your bed and cried like an idiot for a bit, I think I fell asleep but not for long until Harry barged in and the look on his face Liam, I knew it was you, and I knew it was bad. I broke down immediately and didn’t stop crying till we got into the hospital.” Zayn shifts so he's laying in Liam's bed his head on Liam chest, “It was almost a week before they told us what really was wrong, they had to run so many tests and they finally let me see you, and Liam you were hooked up to so many machines, almost triple what you are now and it was so scary.” Zayn's quiet for a while, shifting his head so he’s right on top of Liam's heart, listening. “I thought I lost you for good, I thought you were gone.” He whispers, “Then they told us you were in a coma and the kidney rejected causing your liver to stop for a few minutes for some stupid reason, they said without the kidney and the liver the toxins from the alcohol you drank went right into your body and it took over, they were worried your entire body would shut down but you didn’t let that happen, you kept fighting. Don’t stop Liam, please.”

 

—

 

“—and the fucking dog pissed right on Niall’s shoe Li, right on it didn’t he Z?” Louis laughed loudly; Liam loved the sound of it honestly.

“It was hilarious Liam, you would’ve pissed yourself, I almost did.” He could hear the smile in Zayn's voice and he ached to see that smile again. He heard them shift in the seats beside his hospital bed, the one apparently uncomfortable one switched for ‘three cushiony loveseats’ he remembers Niall telling him.

“So Z, what are you going to do when he wakes up?” Louis lowers his voice as if to prevent Liam from hearing.

“Kill him probably.” Liam laughed in his head along with Zayn’s muffled one.

“No I'm serious.” _Shocker_ Liam teased, “He's off life support now, the toxins are gone, he can breathe on his own, he's going to wake up any day now, you have to tell him.” Liam felt proud, proud he beat this shit and was more than likely going to be up again, new kidney and everything, in the next week or two.

“Louis can we not talk about this please, what am I supposed to say ‘oh Liam welcome back I'm glad you woke up, by the way I love you’, it’s not that simple Louis.” Liam’s chest swelled, _he just means it the way he loves the others don’t get your hopes up,_ he tells himself.

“You're so dumb Zayn, it is that easy, he loves you not ‘just as a friend’ don’t give me that shit, friends don’t drink themselves to death because they think their other friend is making out with some dude, and other friends don’t beat the shit out of their best friend since high school for faking a call to their other friend to make him think that.” Louis huffed, and Liam was very, _very_ confused.

“You make no sense.”

“Liam loves you, you idiot and you love him. Stop denying yourselves happiness because you're both too chicken shit to say anything about it.” Liam wants to strangle Louis for telling Zayn that, he could’ve just ruined everything Liam's tried so hard to protect.

“You're right.” Zayn sighs, _wait what?_

“Liam?”

“Oh my god.”

Oh Liam said that, like actually said that out loud and everything, and Liam sees light, his eyes, Liam's arms are moving when he tells them too and Liam— he's awake, Liam is awake.

“Liam,” Zayn whispers “Liam you're— Hi.” Liam is admittedly still foggy around the edges so he doesn’t develop Zayn getting up or walking over to him till he's in his arms in the small hospital bed. “I missed you so much.” Zayn cries, and Liam cries, like actually cries this time for the first time in months and it feels _good_.

“Missed you more.” He smiles and Zayn closes his eyes a content look on his face despite the water running down his cheeks, “What are you doing?”

“Listening.” Zayn says hurriedly, “Keep talking I missed your voice so much Li.” He sighs.

“I missed talking to you, I missed being able to hold you when you’d lay with me.” Liam smiles.

“More.”

“I missed your smile, even though I could picture it so perfectly, I missed the real thing, I love it. Love you.” He says and Liam likes the way Zayn's eyes pop open and his cheeks turn red, he memorizes the way Zayn cries harder and bends forward in a way Liam's sure hurts and kisses him, not on his forehead or his cheek. Zayn actually _finally_ kisses him and Liam remembers exactly how it felt so he can tell and retell the story over and over, to the boys, to his mom, to their possible children you know just in case.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ziam fic and it was actually really nice to write im sorry if its terrible, i thought of it at 3am ??
> 
> @gaskourth on twitter :)


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